Maybe I'll take a little break from my usual conversation stopping choice of topics (I mean, you'd think death would prompt all sortsa commenting given its universality and looming inevitability. But, no.) Instead I would like to talk about an issue near and dear to my heart: The evils of capitalism.
All of this prompted by some thoughts of Nancy at Mom, Ma'am, Me.
Oh, there are so many Es of C that I can't go in to them all. Yet, I must confess that when I'm not hating capitalism for grinding the life force out of so many, I'm also thinking of get-rich-quick schemes. Capitalism exerts an irresistible pull on my imagination and while I'm totally 100% going to have a certain type of agrarian artisanal socialism (We won't have those plain little Mao jackets--we'll decorate our jackets with groovy iron ons and embroidery! Cute little cottages! Only 2 hours at the factory a day!) in my utopia, I also subscribe to about 4 different kinds of business mags. Do I have a business? No. Do I know anything about business? Nuh-uh. Does the very word 'business' terrify me with its cubicle-office-enforced grooming code associations? (Cubicles terrify me but the idea I might be required to brush my hair regularly is also unnerving.) Damn right. But why DO I subscribe to Fortune and Fast Company and other magazines of that nature besides the fact that I am so horrendously addicted to magazines that Publisher's Clearing House says I'm not just special but I'm super special?
It's the get rich quick schemes. I love to invent them. I love to think about how I could become the next Howard Schultz. In spite of the fact that I can barely add and subtract, I often like to imagine myself as a corporate mogul. I am dreaming of becoming a billionaire even while I sit and prepare classes on Marxism and write papers on how we should make everyone share all their money equally and other crap like that.
So this brings me to microwave popcorn. I have a plan to become a billionaire off microwave popcorn. And now I am telling you this plan. Which means we can all be billionaires! Actually, it's less of a plan and more of a secret. Did you know that microwave popcorn is just regular popcorn and if you put popcorn in a paper bag (a lunch bag; a grocery bag might be kind of big) you can pop it in the microwave and it comes out just like microwave popcorn. (Actually, it IS microwave popcorn. It is socially constructed as microwave popcorn, but its true essence is not of the microwave.)
And did you know that this will cost you about 8 cents if you buy your popcorn in bulk? And a box of microwave popcorn costs $4.99 or some shit like that--with four bags of popcorn. Do you see where I"m going here? The margin on that shit is huge. It's huger than cocaine, practically. And then if you melt regular butter on it, it is delicious and has no trans fats. In fact, I suggest you pop your own popcorn in an actual pan. Anyway, go ahead and steal this idea because there's a major supply problem and so it really is just like cocaine.
In other words, here is a sample of the evils of capitalism. Try getting regular un-micorwave popcorn at the store. It is being phased out. The evil capitalists are now forcing you to eat the horribly inedible salty fatty microwave popcorn just as they took away your ability to weave and sew and grow and cook your own food. The microwave popcorn people have taken over and the delicious make-your-own popcorn is only available (and who knows for how long, people?!) at the hippie stores in bulk.
I exagerrate. You can get some hideously overpriced regular popcorn sometimes in these tiny Orville Redenbacher jars. But not in every store. And not for long. It is to weep. Where has all the popcorn gone? Long time passing.