Do you think that if you do something that absolute everyone in the entire world would disapprove of you are pretty much guaranteed that you are doing THE WRONG THING?
I am taking the world's most ill-deserved and foolhardy vacation on earth. Of which all reasonable people on earth would disapprove. Except my husband. He is both reasonable and not disapproving. The reason he doesn't disapprove (I think) is that he knew I was crazy when he married me and he's generally tolerant. Maybe I have browbeaten him over the years into going along with all my crazy plans. Like those times I made him take walks in sub-zero weather in the snow at 2 a.m. because I could not sleep without walks, etc. A terrible breaking in period and yet one which benefits me at the moment. He was crazy then too, I must say in my defense but not in a way that leads to frostbite.
Or maybe he simply hides his disapproval.
But what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?
I am completely insolvent, ready to declare bankruptcy practically and I get this largish tax refund. So I'm like: WOOOOH...VACATION. YEAH!
Now, I'm planning to use the tax refund to pay down my debt. I have to do this crazy thing where I don't pay my credit cards and then I tell them that they should have me pay less than I owe because otherwise I am going to declare bankruptcy.
So that's like: The height of financial desperation, no?
But in general I'm feeling insane and desperate. It's different than other times. Not like I've never felt desperate like this. But it's like this...I cannot describe. Imagine if you could never relax, ever. You know that feeling when you are about to speak in public or about to take a test or you just got in trouble at work or something? Well, then think about having that feeling all the time. While your brain is also scanning the world for imminent threats. In addition, you are being frequently confronted with the fact that you are an awful, terrible person in hundreds of different ways. But you feel completely isolated from every other human being. All your life, your parents and siblings were sort of bound to you (in a complex way but with love) and you expected to see them. Next, imagine you had this feeling that you never cared if you ever saw them again. Or anyone. Except for perhaps your child.
That's kind of what happened to me. It's actually not the worst experience I've ever had, in terms of insanity. But it feels like one for which there is a cure. I don't have the energy at this point to seek a cure. So I went out of town for two days. And the feeling lifted slightly.
That's when the idea of taking a vacation I can't afford started to gel. In fact, I started to realize that when people talk about needing vacations this might not be just some dumbass thing. People might actually really and truly need vacations. Not time off work. I actually got time off work. But time away from where they normally live and struggle. To sort of remember who they are, outside all the fear and guilt that daily life brings by the handful.
I had these strange shocks over the last few years. Those shocks when people die. Those shocks when you find out what you thought was a baby is not going to be a live person after all. Those shocks of having that happen again, and the blood and gore. Those shocks when it looks like you are going to lose your job. Those shocks when it looks like your husband is going to lose his job. Those shocks when you find out some people you love are hellbent on their own destruction and there's nothing you can do to stop them. So it's going to hurt like hell when the terrible thing does happen but all you can do is wait. Those shocks when you find out you can't pay your bills.
I tried to take two vacations in the last 3 years. During each, I found out that someone I loved was about to die.
When I write this, I realize it is normal life. The only annoying thing is that we are supposed to pretend to be normal all the time in normal life. How is that even possible?
I think that's what I hate the most: The pretending to be normal. It does so much damage. I go to buy black pants because I can't miss work and I need some thick material to hide all the mess from a miscarriage. But I have to act like a completely normal person while all this is happening. That did something to me, something very bizarre that I can't quite describe.
Anyway, unaffordable vacation. I thought about killing myself or going into a mental hospital or some sort of reset. I've been so horribly, horribly afraid these last few years. What the hell else is going to happen. It could be simply an ordinary person's life but I simply don't take bad news very well.
But NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. I am desperate to find a way to get this information into my brain so that I can enjoy my life, see its beauty. Everything is OK but I cannot get the message. I cannot explain this. I really tried hard to think of a way to get the message that everything is OK and may remain OK for some indefinite period. So, a vacation. In an unfamiliar place, a very unfamiliar place. For only 5 days, to avoid any missing of school.
It started when I found out the doctor's office had no record of a physical for my daughter, the Spring vacation camp therefore wouldn't take her and my doctor and every doctor absolutely refused to give her a physical in the next two weeks so she could be in camp. So I have to take the week off to care for her. I know it sounds crazy but the next thing I know, I am making plans to go to the Caribbean.