Now, I've just come to terms (not entirely) with the fact that I am a body.
I wrote about how helpful it is to realize human beings can be understood this way: As crazy monkeys.
When you realize that human beings are crazy monkeys, a lot of things that don't make sense make a whole lot more sense.
The way they make sense is that you suddenly realize they aren't supposed to make sense. Our freaky behavior is just primate behavior and trying to explain the crazy shit people do is a lost cause. When you look at monkeys, do you try to explain what they do by considering what their reasons are? Most of the time, the best reason are: They are monkeys and what they do, they do because they are monkeys. Their monkey needs determine what they do.
I'm sure some scientists would not approve.
With humans, just add: They are crazy. Christmas shopping can even be explained by this theory. It's not all that different from grooming. They groom, we gift.
See how easy that is?
Anyway, breaking it all down to some kind of primitive level of explanation makes it so much easier (for me).
Monkeys kiss, right? I ask this because the other day we were in the kitchen cooking and I was kissing my husband in a place that is easy to reach--his neck. A friend of ours came in the room and she commented on this and I realized that it seemed like I was kissing my husband in a passionate way. But it wasn't passionate. I am always kissing my husband and in this case, it was because I thought he would be annoyed at me. But then, when I started kissing him I couldn't stop because it was so soothing.
It's not that kissing him is never passion-inducing but a lot of time I realize I kiss him because kissing him is basically like valium. Hugging my daughter is similar.
When I hug my daughter after a long day, it is like a drink of water in the desert. My brain waves probably alter, my blood pressure probably goes down. If I spend lots and lots of time with her I become bizarrely calm. And she does as well. The less work I have to do, the more time I spend with her, the more placid and happy she becomes. As do I. We have some kind of almost physical need to be with one another as much as possible.
This is so obvious. If we remember we are supposed to be in little bands of primates and not in our offices working until 5 a.m., it all makes sense.
With my husband, I was doing conflict avoidance kissing. Just like a monkey.
I get freaked out, in my body not just in my mind. Physical contact with them has this strange calming effect that I feel immediately, like a glass of bourbon.
This also happens with what I eat. If I eat certain foods, I become sort of bipolar. Maybe I am bipolar. Certain doctors have hypothesized this. But if I do not eat these foods, I stay sort of my usual crazy self, which I manage relatively well simply by kissing my husband and going to the gym. Except in the winter and when I'm taking the crazy fertility treatments.
Damn, that sounds crazy.
Just take my word for this: I had an actual point here.