New Years Fucking Resolutions

If you read my post about TPWKSIBIKSFY (the people who keep stuff in boxes in their kitchen, sometimes for years) you will know that I don't do things on time. And these New Years Resolutions are just a work in progress, baby, a work in progress. (Forgive the typos. No time to edit--going to visit in laws, have to pack.)

OK, so for the first one I pretty much have to stop saying FUCK all the time and SHIT and IDIOT and ASSHOLE and FUCKING IDIOT because it's only a matter of time until she says it.

And I guess it's really bad if she says it. It sort of seems like a lot of wasted energy to keep kids from saying 'fuck' and 'shit' and whatever else they might want to say--and if they'd just give up trying to get people to censor their language than we parents wouldn't have to go to all that trouble.

I remember this summer I was saying 'fucking this, fucking that' around these friends of mine with kids--I haven't actually seem them since they had their kids--and they exchanged a glance and I realized they don't swear anymore and probably didn't want me swearing in front of their kids.

It seems strange. It's not swearing, it's like, normal speech with modifiers thrown in. I swear in the classroom, I swear everywhere and I just can't stop. Yes, yes I HAVE to stop. It's so hard though. It's how I talk. It's how my mom talks. It's how my sisters talk. (My dad objects vociferously and for some reason my brother doesn't swear either--he follows my dad in things.)

Ya gonna eat with that mouth?

Whew. Just writing that resolution made me tired.

Next resolution is not to eat raw cookie dough, raw chocolate chip cookie dough. But that one's easy. They cause the most horrendous and hideous and frightening gas. Maybe not so easy. It just wasn't pretty.

Wow. Two resolutions and I am weary. Cntemplating them makes me weary, how am I ever going to get the energy to actually modify my life accordingly?

I think I'll try to make it through all of 2006 without smoking a cigarette. Because I'm really on the verge of starting smoking again. I quit but I think about it constantly, especially lately.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm happy to die early if it means I can smoke. (Of course, in general, I'm just happy to die, period.)  I would take even a grisly and painful death--if not too terribly long and drawn out--if I had constant unlimited access to cigarettes and could smoke them whenever I pleased. And I also roll my own cigarettes so it isn't even that expensive.  So what's stopping me? My daughter a little bit but get this: Professional concerns. That's it! That's the only thing that stops me. No one in my department smokes. Jesus, no one in my whole university smokes.  If I have to look for another job, I will have to go on the job market and go cold turkey at the same time. Because nicotine gum is kinda obvious (I chewed it last time I went on the job market.)

This is why I wear moisturizer. This is why I don't want to get too fat. Because I can't climb to the top as a smoking, withered fatty. How shallow is that? Pretty shallow.

Would I trade in the now for the 1950s and its unlimited tanning, smoking, drinking and bottle-feeding? No, no I really couldn't live in a time that was 100% racist instead of just 78.3% racist. Nor would I travel back in time to alter things and ensure that the fact smoking is bad for you did not become such a big harry deal.  Just because I want to die of cancer, doesn't mean I want to make that choice for everyone. Instead, I think I'll just move to Egypt.

Why does thinking about not smoking and telling myself not to smoke make me want to smoke more than I have in months? This resolutions thing can completely backfire on you, I think.

God, I could really go for a piece of nicotine gum right now. Man, I'm pathetic.

That's it for the resolutions. There's just too many ways I suck to do them all in one day.

Comments

[DoctorMama]

I feel emasculated since stopping swearing in front of the kid. And the only reason I don't is so that he won't be That Kid at daycare/kindergarten.

If you want a shallow reason not to smoke, you will stay looking hot for a lot longer if you don't smoke.

[roo]

I started smoking again, and I'm embarrassed by how blissful charring my lungs can feel. I need to quit again. Just not yet.

I worked at a theatre day camp one summer, for children ages 7-11 (a great age group-- old enough to be interesting to talk to, young enough not to worry about being cool.) I had to find substitutions for swear words quick if I didn't want to deal with angry parents. But it took freaking forever to rid the word "Gosh" from my vocabulary when summer was over.

[grudge girl]

You cannot resolve to not eat raw cookie dough. That's just sad. It's such a pleasure! Why deny yourself?!

Also, I started "Holiday Smoking" while back on the job at the theatre (Everyone's doing it! Join us!) And now I seem to be hooked again, even though I quit when pregnant with Charlotte, and was able to hold out even after spending a couple nights a year out at a pub, and socially smoking. Damn theatres! I know the love, man.

...Egypt?

[kerewin]

I hate that look you get when with a bunch of friends and their kids and you whip out something really vulgar and funny. First, you sorta want to shrivel up from the look and second, you worry about what the kids repeat. Ouch!

[ozma]

There's something to be said for the dewy, youthful glow of the non-smoker but in my deranged cigarette craving mind everything gets all turned around and leathery skin becomes cool in some way.

I do try that 'skin' one on my sister, though. Her smoking, my mother's smoking, both drive me nuts. I freak out for them but not myself.

If I start it will be years before I quit (maybe 50), so I suppose I should be grateful for how the uptight people deter me with their social disapproval. Hate them as much as I do, maybe I will yet see my grandchildren.

In my mind, Egypt is the kind of place where smoking is still OK, and will be for many years. I think health consciousness is bound to hit France and Japan soon but there's still hope for Korea. North Korea! I'll bet you can smoke up a storm there.

I applied to the American University in Cairo and the University in Beirut and almost got an interview at the U of B but I got another job first. I've heard the Lebanese are major smokers--they've had bigger fish to fry.