I had a baby and I guess I'll never be the same. Or sane. The thing is, I expected to get postpartum depression but I didn't expect to be so upset by a story about water shortages that I would use the same bathwater 4 days in a row (and then wash my clothes in it).
Yes, before I had a baby I was anxious and quirky. Maybe in a sometimes cute way. Now I'm a complete freak, a madwoman. Any resemblance to cuteness is not only unintended but also impossible. So, my baby is almost two. When's this going to stop? Am I going to be normal...ever?
Here's a little description of some of my symptoms. Geez, no one ever tells you about these things. Not that this sort of thing ever stops you.
Postpartum What the Fuck: Part One
Goddamn Tenderheartedness
I’ve become so freaking tenderhearted, so paralyzingly compassionate since my daughter was born it’s almost like a form of mental illness. I spent several hours last week crying over the fact my brother is going to break up with his girlfriend. Because she loves him. Because she doesn’t have any friends. Because her parents are mean to her and she is young and sad. And if I keep on writing about it I’ll start all over again. The idea of anyone alone, unhappy, unloved, heartbroken, hungry, afraid, in pain makes me crazy, crazy, crazy with sorrow.
And there are millions in just such a fix. Which means I’m crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. All the goddamn time.
I can’t believe it. I can’t. Not only that I’ve gone off the deep end like this but that we let the world go one this way. WHAT THE FUCK? Why aren’t we helping, people? Do something. Holy God. Before it’s too late.
Yes, all those things that just slip by you and used to slip by me (kind of)—endangered species, global warming, the scabby man in the corner, the lonely old lady—permanently burn into my brain with their white hot depressingness. Not only that but I’ve started to recall the stories that I barely remembered reading lo these many years as a media consumer. If something bad happened to someone and I read about you can be sure that I’m ruminating over it during the wee hours of the night. And wondering what’s next. And knowing that it won’t be pretty.
And yeah, I’ve stopped reading the newspaper. Duh. I’m self-destructive sometimes but not that crazy. (The news I get the husband precensors.) But things—the horrible, terrible things that happen every day--trickle through.
I haven't read a real newspaper since 2001. Of course, I'm not entirely convinced that there are any real newspapers left...
Posted by: roo | February 12, 2006 at 10:11 PM
There's always The Economist. They are conservative but full of facts.
Posted by: ozma | February 13, 2006 at 08:11 PM
having a baby has ruined the news, movies, breakups, and everything else for me as well.
i even cried once when i saw a magpie (a bird I HATE) half dead on the side of the road. i had to PULL OVER to compose myself. sheesh.
Posted by: jenB | February 13, 2006 at 09:03 PM
OMG! I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only person this has happened to. I can't even so much as watch Law & Order without becoming physically upset.
Please tell me it changes when you stop nursing.
Posted by: kris | February 15, 2006 at 06:32 PM