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Damn. That is a sad tale.

And, I can't google you - I don't even know your name :)

A White Bear

Oh shit, Ozma, this gave me flashbacks. I had a Gina in college. She sort of saw herself as the campus sexpert, ran a sexy funk radio show, and wore that sort of knowing-sexy stuff that sexperts wear, high-heeled but clunky boots, tight-but-not-too-short dresses, semi-ironic bright red lipstick. She wrote poems about being a knowing, sexy person.

She'd invite me over and try to get me to sleep with her. I found her attractive, but was annoyed by the way she did it--she wanted me to pursue her, and the way she came onto me was so passive-aggressive and faux-indirect that it annoyed me. I told her to stop touching my nipples while we were playing card games, because it doesn't feel nice unless I'm in a sexual situation. She couldn't believe there was any situation involving herself that wasn't sexual, and was extremely hurt.

I was a year behind her in school and she sort of made me her protege, but really, she was starting to become me. I think she was jealous of my needlessness and comfort with being alone. I wonder if that's what your Gina was so jealous of in you, too.

Anyway, I eventually found a boy I liked and told her. She hunted him down and said she was trying to get us together. It worked, and I was grateful. Then she tried to invite him into her bed, using the same passive-aggressive tactics she used on me. They didn't work. He and I started dating. When she found out we were together, she was outraged and ended our friendship. What was mine had to be hers too for the friendship to work.

What ended up happening to her was really sad. She wasn't raped, that I know of, but she became so baldly obsessed with seducing boys for her own sense of self-worth that she would brag about having seduced some guy whom she'd overheard calling her fat into coming over for twenty minutes of anal sex before he left, calling her a slut. "He wanted me so bad."

I have always been drawn in to sexy people like Gina, but end up finding that they are often really neurotic about what their sexiness means, how powerful it is, what it can do for them, and where its limits are. They seem to be secretly very jealous of people who self-contain, self-comfort, self-satisfy.

Sad story, Ozma.


It is a horrible story.

This is incredibly interesting. I am dying to know about your experiences with women. This is one of the few times I wish I had more commenters. I wish I could just hear everyone's stories about their youth and the women in it.

I guess it doesn't surprise me that you attract sexy women to you like I did. That ability to self-contain and self-satisfy attracts them. But I actually do not and did not find them jealous of me in the standard way. It was a different thing. Like I was this kind of respite for them. The oasis in the world of (a) envious women and (b) leching men.

Basically, I did what a gay man can do for a beautiful woman--which is reflect, comfort but not envy or desire. They did get possessive sometimes. And they wanted to engulf me sometimes, like Gina did.

Some things about Gina and I:

We were actually very close. We had a very intense friendship. Women never get charged with homosocial friendships but of course we have them and I had many, many back in the day.

I was very concerned about her. I read this now and think--I sound so detached. At the time, though, I was not detached. I loved her at certain points. But I had to get free eventually.

The fascinating thing was that she was not jealous of me in the standard way. It was a fascinating kind of symbiosis she wanted to be involved in. She was not worried I would eclipse her with other people. It was like she wanted to merge with me. Yeah, I guess it is a little Single White Female. It feels different than that but I can't think of how it was, now. Well, one way it was different was that she did not get angry with me or resent me for anything I had. It was just that she couldn't maintain any boundary between myself and herself.

It was kind of nice to have someone be so into me. For about a decade I had this series of women who were completely into me and they were almost like lovers, except without the sex. I had no self esteem whatsoever back then. I think their regard for me was kind of healing in its way, even if they smothered me and made me feel trapped at the same time.

Now I'm thinking: Why are no woman doing this to me now? Did I lose whatever magic appealing thing made them adore me so?

Gina was not sexy in any overt way. She was just supermodel beautiful with the most mind-bogglingly perfect body. (Actually, my sister pointed out her perfect body. I was so naive then that I did not realize that bodies mattered like they do. I almost didn't see bodies.)

She flirted yet she did not want to have sex. She was trapped by something with these men. She wanted to get away from them but she could not do so without me. She needed me to be her shield. She did not have much of a father. I don't know what was going on there.

At least one thing that attracted beautiful women to me--and I attracted a lot of them--was my complete independence from men (at the time). I used to attract these absurdly gorgeous women who felt trapped by male attention. And maybe their need for male attention.

Hm. I need to write a follow-up post on this. I need to figure it all out. Also, I want to know what other women's experiences were. Or are...Because the homosocial female friendship is so fascinating. And NEVER NEVER does anyone bother to write novels about it. It's all envy and jealousy and crap when there are novels about women together. But there's something else...a total other thing. Like this realm of female experience is just invisible.

Or am I wrong? Are there dozens of (non-pornographic) novels about girl-girl asexual love?


Well, have you read Cat's Eye? It's not exactly homosocial, but it's...well, really good. It's complex.


That would be: Cat's Eye, by Margaret Atwood.

I think you'd like it. Unless you've already read it and you hated it.

I attract needy weirdos too. Or I used to. I'm not sure why.

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