Wanting

Seriously, is it OK to want stuff when there are other things you really need. And you are supposed to focus on those?

Is it OK to want more than you've got, in other words, when you are currently a beggar at the table of the universe. I need a job. I need to at least keep the job I have.

Who am I to want anything. Status quo, that's where the focus is supposed to be. I'll be lucky for status quo.

But I want a baby. Oh Lord almighty I want a baby.

Like the insane person I am I kept trying for a baby for years, even though it is painfully obvious to me now that this would have resulted in no job whatsoever. I lost two pregnancies through natural miscarriage. I can't be happy about that (I feel profoundly guilty about it and maybe always will) but I also must acknowledge that I would already not have a job if I had had the baby.

Of course, I'd rather have those babies. That was my thinking at the time: Fuck it.(Of course, I was a little more irrational than that. I sort of hoped I could have both.) Fate decided otherwise. Now it is certainly possible that I will have neither.

Now, that I think about it, it's good to remember what you want. Sometimes if you forget for too long you forget to do these things. It's easy to erase one's desire.

There is no way I'm going to have a baby the regular way so I'm going to do one of those complicated things.

This is a genuine question though: What is practical? How does one live one's life in the right way?  Do you wait until everything makes sense or do you just go for it?  Should potentially unemployed deeply indebted women (OK me) who are almost too old to have a baby the standard way just take some money they don't actually have and pay whatever kind of whatever to have a baby?

Uh, I'll bet you are going to say 'no'.  Damn it. I should have kept the question abstract! If you are like 'should I be practical or should I just go for it' then people always say: "Go for it! You only live once." 

Aw, fuck it. I'll probably go for it. I'm a beaten down husk of a person these days but what the fuck. When and if any semblance of spirit returns I will probably do what I always do and become immune to any kind of practicality. This has (sort of, not really, maybe) worked for me thus far.

Here is a completely unrelated Ab Fab video that I feel like posting because I love Edwina's speech. In fact, it's not entirely unrelated because she's saying: Goddamn it, sometimes you just need to fuck up. Why can't everyone just cut us fuck ups more slack? Like they do in France?

Comments

[magpie]

Go for it.

[Jenny, Bloggess]

Just do it. Or adopt an Ethiopian baby. Isn't that what Edwina would do?

[ozma]

Ha ha ha ha. Edwina would plan to adopt an Ethiopian baby. I think I really want to adopt an Ethiopian baby.

I asked an Ethiopian person I know what they thought about this and for some reason they were horrified. I was too embarrassed to press for details. Is it because (a) they don't like adoptions there (b) they don't like Americans barging in and taking away their babies (c) there is some horrible baby trade that I don't know about.

The problem with adopting an Ethiopian baby is that I don't know enough about the culture and don't know the language and so on so maybe there is some problem I can't foresee. But the places where I know the culture more and language are hard to adopt from.