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September 2011

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Damn. My uncle did this to my grandmother. And she loved him so. Breaks my heart on a daily basis.

People are so fucked up.


I'm so curious about how someone gets like this. People love their kids. Can you love your kids too much?

Which drugs was he addicted to? Some will totally obliterate the personality. This was crystal meth.


Maybe some of the anger is to do with now you know he can never redeem himself? Never make his father's love seem anything but unearned?

Do you listen to This American Life and if so did you hear the "Unconditional Love" podcast? It gave me a lot to think about.

I think most good and beautiful things are self-perpetuating. I think we notice when they are not, because it is UNFAIR and we have this absolute sense of justice. But maybe someone not directly in this story benefits. Maybe you know that if your kid came to borrow money like that, you would put that money towards rehab instead. I mean, a cautionary tale is small comfort I know. But still.


Thanks A. But you know the reason I think this is just because some of the people in my family I thought were OK/normal--the 'sane' side--descended into drug addiction and just various kind of weird, weird things...

And the other side was crazy right off. I had always known that. So I can't even really look back at my childhood. I just have to keep running forward.

It's just so odd. Almost every 'adult' I knew as a child turns out to have some horrible mental problem. And a lot of times these things turned up in their 50s even. Some we are talking HORRIBLE--like nightmare schizophrenia or a murder-suicide or a meth addiction. To not be an utter pessimist is a terrible struggle. I don't know any good stories, about anything good ultimately happening to anyone from my youth, any of these people I looked up to.

I keep waiting for the bomb to go off in my life. As if it is all just a semblance of normality until one day POOF.


Who knows why ones parents keep loving us as much as we can do to them. (That's just one thought.) Powerful stuff, ozma.

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