Physical illnesses differ. And mental illnesses differ.
I think it's impossible to generalize.
I also need to do more research on this topic.
It's also late and I probably should not blunder into this topic.
And I know I have blown it a bit out of proportion. But I remember a very prominent blogger once wrote a rant against some friend or relative she had who was depressed or had some type of mood disorder and refused to take medication.
Why the nerve!
I wish I had some colorful story to tell but the fact is that no one should ever have to take medication. No one. Particularly not for mental illness.
The sad truth is that there is a distinct possiblity, one being debated in various corners, that anti-depressants barely work. Anti-psychotics may work better for some people. But they also cripple some people.
Everyone should absolutely be offered the best medical treatment for any illness they have, mental or physical. And this includes medication. I simply don't believe that people should have to take medication that could be mood or personality altering. I think our humanness, our highest freedom, is to decide to the best of our capacities whom we shall be. And when it comes to 'mental health,' a person who is is burdened with some condition is given a less wide set of options than other people. But those are their options. And if they believe that a medication is deadening or they dislike it, then I think even psychotics should be allowed to refuse if--like 95% of psychotics--they pose no special threat to other people.
This is especially true for the anxious, the depressed and other mood-disordered or personality-disordered sufferers.
I admit to being suspicious of medication for mood disorders, in terms of their effectiveness vs. the ubiquity of their use.
They are taken because having a mood disorder can be a terrifying thing.
And yes, I've certainly stood in front of a live source of electricty with a water bottle in my hand and done various other life-threatening things. Anyone who reads this blog--well, it's fucking obvious I am not an entirely sane individual, whatever the fuck that is.
But at the same time, I really have gotten down into the dirt and dug. I am someone who is classic in every way. Classically compulsive, mood-disordered mentally ill. And I've discovered some very real things about how profoundly the life one lives can contribute to this illness. Now getting past that with the illness--there is the terrible challenge. How do you survive that. For example, now. How do I survive now?
I am lucky; I think I can do it. I've acquired the knack. I've spent most of my life wishing I were dead. It's such a shame but medication never made it much different. It would work for a bit and then have some horrible side effect and then stop working but I'd be stuck with the lingering health problems caused by it.
I learned that I have to continually dig myself out. I like what people say about drugs, for them. I am glad for them. But I want someone to say something different because I am sure there are people like me.
If the medication is not working so well or if you've taken everything or if you don't want to do it, you will be afraid because you won't know whether you can survive. But get off them and watch--watch. Becuase you may find it is not very different than it was before.
You'll have to find other solutions. I think for some people medication can also be dangerous because when it stops working people don't thik there are other things they can do. Medication is far from the best way to deal with mood disorders. It's just the cheapest way, it works for some people, it makes other people money, it makes everyone think you'll stop being a pain in their ass, it makes people feel safe--it makes you feel safer.
It's hope in a bottle, it really is.
I remember the day I stepped back after my body was so screwed up and my brain was so screwed up by paxil--I remember finding dozens and dozens of web postings about this horrible drug. And youtube videos of people discussing the awful side effects. Then finding people had actually died on another drug I'd taken. One that used to make me sick and I didn't know why but it was also the only one that didn't cause severe weight gain. Now I have liver issues that may be tracable to that medicine.
I only needed this medicine because I hadn't learned about other mind-body solutions--I was too afraid to wing it. Of course, one reason is that people won't like you if you are suffering mentally, you won't be as successful in life. There were things I wanted that I felt I could get more easily if I could mask the symptoms. But I also didn't want the terrible distress I felt. I was afraid of how overwhelmed I would be.
I think my first freedom happened because I was too afraid to take any medicine when I was pregnant so I got off it before getting pregnant. I was insane my whole pregnancy but not a danger to myself--another life was at stake. In some ways, even when I had this very bad PPD, I started to become truly sane then. I can't explain it. Sanity...I sought some other kind of sanity. A more real sanity.
I still seek this. It is an authenticity, a groundedness. I am so far from having it but I get glimpses now and again.
I had to really go through a lot of garbage to reach this point though. I had to really face what utter shit I'd been through growing up. When I took medicine I didn't have to do that. It seems never ending, the memories, sorting through all that trash.
And feelings, horrible feelings. I had to feel them. All the time.
This isn't a story of me coming out through the other side. And sometimes I'm simply going to have to perform and I don't know if I can do that without taking a single anti-anxiety pill ever as long as I live. I will fuck things up too much probably.
It's not a success story, or some how-to. I only say it because it seems like there isn't an alternative narrative to the psychopharm narrative.
I'm going through a terrible time right now because I am on fertility medications that cause severe depression and it's winter and I have SAD and there is probably no way any of this nightmare infertility experience is going to be resolved in my favor. It is unpleasant to say the least (only people who've been through this really get it--you honestly have to be there).
And people will be so angry if I say I just decided this won't kill me this time or ever. True, you can't decide not to be depressed and you certainly can't decide how bad to get. Sure, I want to drive my Toyota off the bridge today into the frozen river--I thought about this tonight. But I won't do it. So I'll just put up with this shit 'til whenever.
That's my motto for 2011: I'll just put up with this shit 'til whenever. Because this shit's not going away.
Those are my words to live by. For now anyway.
I've decided that my 50mg of Zoloft is just a placebo. That said, I think I'll take it forever...
Wishing you luck on the IF front.
Posted by: magpie | January 24, 2011 at 02:25 PM
Well, if I could find a pill that
(1) Didn't have any side effects. Just got rid of my mood problems & did absolutely nothing else
(2) Wasn't crazy ridiculous expensive. I just don't feel right taking some pill that costs $900 a month even if insurance is paying
(3) Actually worked--I guess (1) covers that...for some period of time. Steadily worked--not just slight improvement, back to status quo.
(4) Didn't tend to make me not do as much. Being scared & off meds is highly motivating for me. Miss yoga? FUCK NO! I'm afraid...so afraid. (Well, OK I have been missing yoga this month and so I'm crazy.)
I don't know--if there was some kind of harmless pill that magically fixed everything and did nothing else. FUCK YEAH I'd take it!
Maybe for some people it's like that.
I'm always trying to use the placebo effect on myself by taking homeopathic medicine. It works pretty often!
Posted by: ozma | January 25, 2011 at 01:39 AM
I'm with you on the meds front. Pail nearly did me in and made me fat to boot. Other meds did the same. Every medication merely altered my negative symptoms, taking the old and giving me new ones. I've decided to stick with what I know and deal with the inmedicated me. It's a bitch, but it's a bitch I like more.
Posted by: Schmutzie | January 25, 2011 at 02:25 AM
to me, it's an issue of bodily sovereignty. basic human right: to do with my corpus as i, and only i, see fit. i only arrived at this understanding recently, but i don't really understand how i got this old without it.
Posted by: minervaK | January 27, 2011 at 12:47 AM
It's interesting to come across this post today-- one of those confluences (?) of thought that probably just happen every now and then but feel so significant when they do. I recently had to go off a medication I've been on for the better part of a year, prescribed to manage my manic-depression. I've been fine, for the most part, and I still see my therapists regularly, but it's been terrifying-- I feel like my tightrope act is suddenly being performed without a net.
My medication seemed to work well-- I didn't have any episodes while on it. But it made my hands shake to the point that it got in the way of my work. I'm looking for a different kind of employment, that doesn't require so much of my hands. Is this ideal? probably not. I'm not sure what the right answer is, and deciding not to trust my doctors doesn't seem helpful, either, in the long run.
Gah. I don't know. But it's good to hear some different thoughts about the issue. Good luck in your quest to figure it all out. If you do, let me know!
Posted by: roo | January 31, 2011 at 10:37 AM
It's like we have done a time warp back to the 1950s. Instead of tranqs, electric shock treatments, etc. we now have these other meds, which are supposed to deal with the largely "feminine" mental health issues--the nervous conditions, anxiety, depression. Yes, I know men suffer from these conditions as well. But to me it seems like an answer by patriarchal/societal status quo, wanting to medicate people TO SHUT THEM UP.
Obviously I don't have any answers. But I believe that millions of people medicate themselves with no tangible or lasting benefits.
I know many people wish for death. Some stick their heads in the oven, or fill their pockets with stones and walk into the sea. Or they drive over a bridge. It is tragic. Some people feel too much.
Posted by: Juli | February 03, 2011 at 01:35 PM
Aw Roo, that sounds bad. I'm sorry. I wish I did have it all figured out.
I've just figured out things for me, not for anyone else.
Basically for me, I figured out it is actually *better* to tough it out. Even when it lasts a long time. But maybe I am somewhat better now and maybe this wouldn't have worked before. I don't know!
I just want to put this idea out there because I don't find it out there.
I'll be thinking of you & hoping it gets easier!
Posted by: ozma | February 06, 2011 at 12:40 PM
Juli that's a good thing to remember--the failures of past solutions. Before we get too sure of our current solutions.
I heard someone talking about some new data about how antidepressants burn out certain pathways in the brain--in some people. It worried me. But it might be hokum! Still, it seems likely there are some effects we won't know about.
It just does not seem plausible to say: These highly complex chemical compounds change the way neurotransmitters, etc. operate. Yet, they are UTTERLY harmless and cause no other problems whatsoever.
Do we hear about their harms though? No we do not. Do people make a HUGE amount of money on them? They sure do! Is it harder to find out the truth of things when someone is making a ton of money as long as you believe the thing is good? Yes, it is.
So this is just a bunch of flimsy things pointing to the message: Be a bit careful! Not some damning set of evidence. But alas, we do not hear much about how or why to be careful or what else one can do to deal with these problems anymore. This is what worries me. The lack of options for people.
Posted by: ozma | February 06, 2011 at 12:44 PM
Well, I've been fighting the winter/unemployment blues, but historically, and given my circumstances, that's not too unusual for me. I've been off the meds for about two months now, and I feel basically fine. And my hands don't shake.
On the other hand, when I mention to my non-psychiatrist doctors that I have bipolar and I'm not taking meds at the moment, they freak out. This is tiresome-- particularly since I have a team of mental health professionals I still consult regularly, even though they aren't prescribing. Is medication the only viable therapy? If so, why is talk therapy even an option? If it doesn't do anything, why is it recommended for people with mental health issues? Why do insurance companies pay for it?
Something is decidedly off here.
Posted by: roo | February 13, 2011 at 09:57 PM